Deep Love Can Change Our Hearts

By Evan Sanders


My mind is dripping with paint. Colours casted all over the never-ending canvas of my mind. Mixing. Swirling. Blasted with colour. How rare for a mind that was stripped of significant colour not so long ago...one that was burdened by the darkest of blacks and the gap between those dark shades and white. There existed only that. Nothing except that. There are stunning and complex portraits of memories that unfold like streamers in my mind. I used to curse these unending reels of tape falling from the ceilings. They would always play time after time in my mind again. Moments. Memories. Feelings. Laughter. My mind felt bogged down by their presence. I attempted to control the uncontrollable, to only find that once a flutter of wind came by they'd unravel time upon time.

This was the story about a man experiencing discomfort. Regret. Agony. Fear.

A destructive force deep inside himself controlled by the bittersweet producing of life's best devils and tests. A man who feared the honest answers, the true, and to stand up for what deeply spoke inside his heart and drove his ambitions. A type of man annihilated by a force burning him to death from a fierce cold that froze even glimmers of any warmth within his heart. I was the kind of man who gripped on too tight to what existed, strangling whatever was to the point of lack of breath. My grip was harsh, turning things to dust, letting them sift through my fingers. My hands callused from building walls and fending off trespassers of love.

I was the sort of man whose heavy hands were beaten to a pulp by his efforts to grasp onto things that wanted to change, only to unfortunately find that there's a disability to manipulate what must shift. The pain that was made from watching the inescapable changing of things only brought more fear, more darkness, more pain.

I was that sort of man, once...upon a time.

One day I chose to let go. Of everything. All that I feared, all that I adored. Everything in that moment, became much lighter. I made an effort to accept that all would arrive in time, that love would find its way, lessons would show up at my front step and I could really take some time to live.

I let the streamers, oh those attractive tapestries of my mind unfold as they wished, wafting around the expansive room of my thoughts with liberty and grace. I took the time to walk amongst their wonderful colours appreciating their intricacies and depth. In turn, I granted myself the possibility for using what was divine deep within my soul. I started to chat to the heavens and instead of living in steady suffering, I just lived, giving up existing for something far grander.

But amongst it all, I became the type of man that might be dripping with full colours and could watch everything go. I could hold other people with open palms so they were free to fly. I could deeply smile at things that once caused me agony. My hands, notwithstanding their strength, became very gentle. I became softer. My words became deeper. My feelings became stronger. And with all that, the intensity of the looks I gave others became engulfed with enthusiasm. I stopped looking at people and looked far into them.

I was once the sort of man who suffered continually.

Now, I am the sort of man who suffers, and with that, loves deeply.

I am moving on with a full heart.




About the Author: